Nobody Knows It But Me
by LegacyOfThePheonix
Summary: A little songfic I just finished. There are two OC pairings, but I'm actually really happy with the way this turned out... Well I was all those years ago: Currently Under Rewrite


DISCLAIMER: I OWN NEITHER THIS SONG, NOR THE CHARACTER OF REMUS LUPIN. I do, however, own the character of Kagumi Pheonix. I own nothing else except for the plot involved, and that includes every character except for Kagumi and Faith Angel, who belongs to my friend…everything else belongs to the lovely JK Rowling. Fair warning, I did change the ending of the song a bit, but only enough so that it would fit. LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

Nobody Knows It But Me

"Wish I'd told her how I feel…Maybe she'd be here right now," James said morosely. He had walked out on Lily as he was trying to tell her something. Something he'd claimed was "incredibly important", but he'd gotten tongue-tied and couldn't get past her name.

"Lils, I…" James' hazel eyes bored into Lily's emerald orbs. He knew that he was stalling, but his heart, which was currently pounding in his throat, seemed to be blocking the flow of words that he wanted to tell her.

"_Lily…Lily flower…" Again, he froze up. The two were sitting at the Three Broomsticks on a late Saturday afternoon as the sun went down. Remus sat with his oldest friend Kagumi Pheonix, whom he'd met in first year. Sirius sat talking in low tones to a girl James knew as Faith Angel, with whom he'd had an on-again, off-again relationship all throughout their schooling. _

_Lily made an impatient noise softly, as she touched James' arm. "James, what is it? What are you so reluctant to tell me?" Her eyes filled with confusion as he gulped and looked down at the table. _

_**Damn! I can't seem to get it out…**he thought moodily. He looked at he again, and decided to give it a fresh try. After all, it was their last official day on Hogwarts Grounds before the graduation. He forced a smile, but couldn't keep his hand from straying to her soft white skin. _

_The light glimmered off of her red hair, setting a perfect compromise between her alabaster skin, emerald green eyes and fiery hair. She smiled somewhat nervously, and took his hand, stroking the back of it with soft brushes of her thumb. _

"_James! Spit it out already!"_

"Lily, I…I lo…I can't." James stood up suddenly, feeling sick to his stomach as he grabbed his cloak and practically ran out of the pub. The last thing he saw was Lily sitting at the table, about to cry. Kagumi had sat down next to her, and was holding her as she shot a questioning glare after James. He just shook his head and ran towards the castle looming in the distance.

James sat with Sirius at a table in his family lodge, drinking a Butterbeer and staring into the rainstorm outside. "But instead, I…" James couldn't even bring himself to say it…**I left her there…I left her crying, because I had to be an idiot again…**

Lily sat on her bed four days later, looking a picture of James. She lightly touched it with her fingertips, wishing to tell him in person how she felt. When he'd left, she'd cried. It was true; but it was also true that she loved him. Loved him dearly, in fact, and was willing to go to lengths to have him. Her Muggle Radio played a song…it was the first song she and James had danced to, at Kagumi's sixteenth birthday. The tears spilled of their own accord, and she made no move to wipe them away…they coursed down her cheeks as she sang softly:

I pretended that I'm glad you went away

These four walls close in more everyday

And I'm dying inside

And nobody knows it but me

Mmm yeah

James sat, already deep in his drink. He'd been like this ever since the Three Broomsticks incident; just sitting in his manor and drinking, sometimes eating or moping. It broke Sirius' heart to see his best friend like this…he didn't even look Sirius in the eye as he still spoke.

"Padfoot, why can't I ever just…tell her how I feel? I mean, for Merlin's sake, I changed my entire personality for her! And…And I…when I finally gained her trust and I found out that she was willing to give me a chance…" he left off, not knowing how to finish. His words were already getting a bit slurred, and his hazel eyes were bloodshot.

Sirius slapped him on the arm lightly, and took the bottle ever so gently away from him. James made a pathetic grab for it, but the Beater reflexes that Sirius had gained more than supplied the agility to keep it from him. James stared into the whorls of the wood's grain, not knowing what to say. His heart was heavy, and he felt…Guilty…It's guilt that you feel, Jamesie-boy… Lily's voice taunted him, even in his own head!

Like a clown I put on a show

The pain is real even nobody knows

And I'm crying inside

And nobody knows it but me

Yeah mmm

He looked at a picture of them the day of the incident…she was leaning into him, smiling that little secretive smile. Even as she winked at the camera, which had been carried by Remus, her image dragged itself from the recesses of his heart.

He knew that she was his…that they were meant to be together. But how could they be like that if he was too stupid to just come out and say that he loved her? Vaguely, unwilling to tear his eyes from the laughing picture of the two of them, he heard music beginning to play.

**Sirius must've turned the radio on**, he thought. Listening to the song, the sadness he'd tried so hard to keep at bay overwhelmed him. He remembered this song, remembered it very well, in fact. He sang along softly, imagining her dancing with him in that white dress that she'd been wearing at Kagumi's party.

Why didn't I say

The things I needed to say

How could I let my angel get away?

Now my world is just a tumbling down

I can say it so clearly

But you're nowhere around

The nights are lonely, the days are so sad

And I just keep thinking about the love that we had

And I'm missing you

And nobody knows it but me

Mm yeah mmm yeah yeah

Remus sat on his couch. The door had just closed and now should be…yes, there it was: the sound of someone Apparating away right in front of his door. The clicking of his door had sounded so final…so…irrevocable, that he just wanted to reach out and snatch the words right back out of the air.

The things he had said to her…to drive her away. It taunted him, with unmerciful glee. The wolf inside was gloating…**You lost the one you wanted for your mate. And now, you'll be alone. Just you and me…till the end of your life…**

Now, Remus Lupin had only cried three times in his life that he could recall: The first full moon after Fenrir Greyback's attack; the day his mother died when Death Eaters attacked her in the middle of a crowded street; and the day, seven years ago, when he'd been accepted as a Marauder.

Now a warm drop fell on his hand. There were tears coursing down his face, and he hadn't even realized it. Each drop that fell, fell with a memory. He was eleven years old, and a young black-haired girl was holding his hand as he awoke from a fainting spell; she was smiling at him and blushed as he asked her name.

He was twelve, and helping that same girl dry her hair after a tough Quidditch Practice in a rainstorm for Gryffindor. She was a Beater with three-foot long hair that weighed her down while she flew.

He was thirteen and waking up in the Hospital Wing of Hogwarts to find Kagumi asleep on his chest, with tear tracks running down her face because she'd been worried about him.

He was still thirteen, and holding Kagumi as she sobbed after hearing of her parents' deaths. He remembered having her stay at his house for the summer, because she couldn't go back home; there was no way she'd have been able to handle it. He was sleeping beside her every night for a week because of her nightmares…and secretly enjoying every minute he got to hold her.

Fourteen and stupid, he kissed her while he thought she was asleep. He recalled with sudden clarity the softness of her lips and the thorough smacking she'd given before she realized who it was.

Sixteen and recognizing that he was madly in love with Kagumi…feeling fiercely jealous as she'd danced with Sirius and James at her birthday; laughing at her as she tried to sing karaoke; smearing cake down each other's faces while the others looked on…Watching her eyes dancing while they both stood in the rain as he'd given her his special present: a sapphire, diamond and ebony ring that was set in white gold…the same ring that now rested on his knee.

He shut his eyes, willing the images to stop. But the onslaught continued, getting faster and faster. Constantly, he was reminded of her. Her scent still lingered on his hands, and he grasped the ring to his heart. He smiled vaguely, still thinking of the good times…

I carry a smile when I'm broken in two

And I'm nobody without like someone like you

I'm trembling inside

And nobody knows it but me

Yeah yeah yeah

Kagumi's pillow was soaked, through and through, and yet she couldn't stop crying. The door to her flat was locked, nothing was dangerous…the radio was on softly, but she couldn't really care. She'd done the stupidest thing of her life…

"_Gumi, I have…I have something to say to you. I've been waiting nearly three years, and I think I've finally mustered up the courage." Remus' voice sounded a bit odd. He forced a smile and gently touched the ring that she wore on her right hand, taking it off._

_She touched his cheek, trying not to blush. "Rem, what on earth has gotten you shook up?" Her voice carried concern, and a faint bit of hope. She'd liked him since she was eleven, and loved him since she was thirteen. Daydreams were made of these moments, and she knew that. But her heart was pounding in her chest nonetheless, and worry nagged at her._

_Remus took a deep breath. "Kagumi, I…I love you. I've loved you since I was twelve and…I want you to be with me…I want to be yours…" Kagumi sat stock-still, not moving._

_Two emotions warred within her: glee and fear. **He's finally admitted it!** She thought to herself…but she also knew that her deepest fear would allow her to be with no one._

_**I'm just a token of bad luck to anyone who dares love me…look at what happened to my parents…even my sister, Jade.** Upon the thought of Jade's mangled face, tears began flowing. Remus looked confused, as he held tight to the ring. She lowered her head, and spoke without looking at him._

"_I wish I could be with you, Rem…I really do. But…I can't. It would never work, and we both know it. You'd end up hating me and I couldn't take that. Not from you…I'm sorry, Remus…" She got up, wiped the tears from her face and kissed him softly._

_Then, closing the door as she walked outside, she Apparated away to her room, where she cried herself to sleep._

The song played along, and she finally realized what song it was. Tears ran anew, scalding her skin with their utter remorse, as she sang to it…the numbers 3:15 am glared at her, bathing her skin in the sickly green light that only the brokenhearted know.

I lie awake; it's a quarter past 3

I'm screaming at night if I thought you'd hear me

Yeah my heart is calling you

And nobody knows it but me

Baby

How blue can I get?

You could ask my heart

But like a jigsaw puzzle its been torn all apart

A million words couldn't say

Just how I feel

A million years from now you know, I'll be loving you still

James awoke around five in the morning. His head pounded, but it was his heart that hurt the worst. Looking down, he saw that he clutched the picture from his mantle. Lily was nowhere to be seen in it, but he could just catch a glimpse of red hair at the corner of the frame, if he squinted enough. Suddenly, it occurred to him that without her, he was…incomplete.

The last five days came rushing back to him and before another thought was completely coherent, he'd pulled on his shoes and cloak and was walking out the door.

The nights are lonely, the days are so sad

And I just keep thinking about the love that we had

Remus lay curled on his side, the ring long since fallen to the carpet. He awoke to the sun streaming into his eyes. Last night came back to slap him in the face and he hugged a pillow. It was hers when she'd stayed there, and she told him to keep it.

With her scent lingering again, he pushed himself off the couch and pulled open the door. On second thought, he went back and picked up the ring, pocketing it. Finger-combing his hair quickly, he straightened his shabby robes and set off for Hogsmeade.

And I'm missing you

And nobody knows it but me

Lily awoke to a tapping on her window. Kagumi threw another pebble just as Lily opened the window; it narrowly missed the top of her head.

"What's up with you, Gumi? God…leave me alone…" She started to close the window, but Kagumi shook her head.

'Lils, we gotta get to Hogwarts. I don't know why, but I have a feeling that we're needed…" Kagumi's voice sounded frantic, and Lily knew that her friend never got upset unless something was truly wrong. She sighed.

"Hang on, I'll be down in a sec…" Shuffling around her room, Lily pulled on a white shirt and some black jeans, along with tennis shoes. Locking her door from Petunia's prying, she climbed out the window with her wand in hand and easily descended the trellis underneath her window.

Kagumi smiled wearily; her eyes were swollen and she seemed to sniffle a lot as they held hands and Apparated to Hogsmeade.

Tomorrow morning I'm hitting the dusty road

Gonna find you where ever

where ever you might go

Remus opened the door to the Three Broomsticks, only to find James and Sirius already there. Faith was leaning her head on Sirius' shoulder, and James was tapping his foot impatiently. Remus smiled and sat with them, patiently waiting for what he knew was destiny.

Lily and Kagumi arrived at the same time, already running. Kagumi had tears falling from her eyes, each one carried away by the wind's gentle caress. "Remus," she half-sobbed. Lily's own eyes were tearing up; she had never really realized how big a part of her life James really was.

She wanted to hold him, ached to have his arms around her. She knew now, almost for certain, what he'd tried to tell her before. Breaking into a maniacal grin, she slammed into the doors of the Three Broomsticks, not surprised in the least to see James sitting there. Kagumi was right behind her, pushing her way past Lily to fly into Remus' arms.

And I'm gonna unload my heart

And hope you come back to me

Their eyes met. James stood up quickly, almost knocking the table over. Lily raced into his open arms, inhaling the smell of his robes. Her hands strayed into that untidy mess of hair and she had to sigh with contentment. She knew that this was exactly where she belonged…

"Lily, I'm…" he began.

"Shhh…" She put her finger to his lips, and then her lips to their place for a tender kiss. His arms tightened around her as the kiss deepened, earning several hoots from the other inhabitants of the bar.

Meanwhile, Kagumi sobbed onto Remus' shoulder, with her arms wrapped tightly around his waist. "Oh, Rem. I'm so sorry! I was so stupid!" She kissed him fiercely. Taken aback, but only for a second, he realized the she wanted to be with him. A wide smiled spread across his face and he picked her up, clutching her to him. A hand wound its way into her hair. She pulled back and kissed him squarely on the lips, and then he took the ring and slid it on her left hand as they kissed.

The nights aren't lonely, the days aren't so sad

And I just keep thinking about the love that we have

And I'm not missing you

And nobody knows it but me


End file.
